Son #1: Savant or Just A Complete Dickhead?

There was no assembly required for Son #1, and he didn’t come with instructions. As they sewed me back up on the table, he was  was handed to me and all I could muster through tears and boogers was a lame head lean–our first touch. He had a mean set of black hair on his tiny little head and I thought, boy, I thought he’d be much cuter.

He’s really grown on me though over these past 5 years. He’s handsome. He’s bright. And he is always right. Always. Never wrong. Of course!

So much so that sometimes I don’t know how to respond. So much so that sometimes my feelings get hurt and I wonder–is this  maternal to question the intentions of this punk ass five year old? I am of the mindset that kids don’t get spoiled because there must be a legitimate reason why he is being a total and complete asshole.

There must be a good reason, right?


I’m sure there is; however, explain that to me after cooking and sweating over something that he’s loved and salivated many a time only to be met with a stony resolve that what I made was “terrible” and “disgusting”. (I blame his UPK teacher for those words. Much easier to contend by blaming neutral parties.) Tell me being a prick at 5 years of age is normal when I’m late for work already and he decides that he doesn’t want a long sleeved t-shirt–but that stained short sleeved dinosaur t-shirt in the hamper waiting to be washed.

For someone who cannot wipe his own butt yet nor tie his own shoes, he has a lot of forethought to his fashion choices. Why did I not already know this? And obviously I have no idea what I’m talking about when I explained that the shampoo wouldn’t taste good and/or that it’s probably POISONOUS.

Yes, I must be doing something wrong–my holier than thou reader. You are amazing.

I am not.

Kids will be kids. Yes yes yes. All that. I get it. Kids are pieces of shit sometimes so just redirect, distract and essentially prepare for the worst. Be ON at all times OR ELSE!

You got questions for me? I am not that mom to ask. I am the one with questions because shit doesn’t make sense sometimes. How could someone so tiny command so much–signed, sealed and delivered? That was me on the surgery table during my c-section–signed, sealed, delivered with Son #1 screaming, “I’m yours!” on his way out.

Maybe that’s why I opted for a V-bac for Son #2. Just a little less reassembly but still no instruction manual.


Fuck instructions.

4 thoughts on “Son #1: Savant or Just A Complete Dickhead?

  1. I for one never believed that children are always angelic and innocent, even at ages where they should be. They may not be aware that their actions are undesirable, rather they just want to test you to see just how sweet and lovely mommy & daddy are. Some kids are just little shits like you say and it’s not a ‘stage’ or some ‘transition’ period from one stage of toddlerhood to another, they just are. Yes, we are the parent, the adult and it’s our responsibility to manage that and teach them to unlearn those traits which will turn them into shitty undesirable adults but it doesn’t change the fact that some kids, are just, for a lack of better word, shitty. And you know if you don’t nip that in the bud soon and fast, you’ll have a little monster on your hands in no time. They will be that kid with no friends at school and they wonder why no one likes them, and instead of doing the heartbreaking task of telling them why they are disliked, I prefer to correct that behavior before they will ask that question. I have a four year old, when she acts like your son did about the dinner (which is a huge pet peeve of mine, a hangover from my strict Chinese upbringing of where you don’t complain about the food in front of you), I don’t indulge her nor ask her why. I just ask her to leave the table if she won’t eat and her next meal is when our next meal is. I don’t negotiate with her, bargain with her, offer her a dessert if she eats her food nothing. Usually after one of these ‘episodes’, she behaves better for a while until she finds something else to test me with. But I am her mother, the adult, I am in control (or supposed to be), and I need to assert my authority, if not for her own good then at least for my own sanity. I also have a younger boy who is 2, and this is a learning for him too, to see how his sister cannot get away with certain behaviors. Good luck and mommy on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are the mom. You are the boss. I have to remind myself that. And certain basic behaviors are not the areas where they exercise their freedom. My daughter expresses her freedoms and creativity with her painting, singing, dancing – not dinner time LOL. they may not be assholes but challenging and we have to help them be better people. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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